I was in the strangest of moods last night.
I had excess energy in my body that I could almost feel waiting in my limbs. Like a physical presence, making me feel like I needed to do something big to get it out.
I felt on high alert, or on edge, or like I was waiting for something, when nothing was about to come.
It’s a feeling I’ve not felt in a pretty long time, months and months in fact.
And I wanted to write it down as a reminder of progression, of moving forward, and of changing.
Because that feeling was a part of me almost 24 hours a day about 2 years ago. I’ve mentioned my anxiety on here before, but only a mention, as I didn’t (and still don’t) feel in a position where I’m ready to talk about the whole thing. I’m still here only talking about moments.
But let me return to last night. It was a mixed-up bundle of feelings. I’m in a state of limbo. There is so much uncertainty, but it is leading to so much excitement.
I’m looking for a job. I’m looking for somewhere to live. I’m moving to London.
The potential lying ahead is making me beyond excited, yet none of it yet has a fixed date. I can’t plan exact dates, or set anything in concrete because I don’t quite know yet where the walls will be built, exactly how my new foundations will be laid.
And that mixture of anxiety, anticipation and excitement is an interesting concoction.
About 1-2 years ago I didn’t get on public transport. I dreaded dinners out with friends. I went through a period where I ate barely anything, and what I did eat took me ages, and I didn’t eat it ‘properly’. I struggled with not knowing exact times things were happening, and I panicked if plans moved by 20 minutes. It took over, and learning to overcome those feelings has been an incredibly long journey, and one I am still walking.
Last night highlighted another massive turning point in that process. I’d had one of those days where I felt like everything was up in the air, and there were a thousand thoughts of equally high priority on my mind. That energy coursed through my veins, I needed to release those feelings of anticipation and emotion.
And did I panic?
I laughed. I talked about it, and I laughed.
I acknowledged where those feelings were coming from, and I acknowledged that I knew how to deal with them.
To an extent, some of these feelings will always be with me, and I know now that that’s ok. I have learned so much about myself, and I’m at a point where I’m ready to accept so many new challenges in full knowledge that I can meet them, enjoy them, and do things that the ‘me’ of a year or so ago, or even the younger version of me, could never have imagined were even possibilities.
And I’m excited.