A few days away.
My brain still does some odd things as I approach a trip away. It's one of the leftover things I still need to deal with when it comes to anticipation with my anxiety, and the confusion between excitement and nerves.
Before I go away, such as for the Leeds and York trip a couple of weeks ago, I get so excited but also have a knot of nerves in my stomach.
It used to be that I was nervous about the journey, what I could eat, breaking routine, not knowing where I was... thankfully those things are no longer the primary things playing on my mind.
However, I get this strange sensation of the trip being some kind of deadline.
In the days leading up to leaving, I feel an intense pressure to tick off every single job on my to do list, including the things that are much longer term goals.
There's a sense of 'running out of time', even though a few days later I'll be back to my normal routine and can continue working on the longer term projects.
It's as if a part of me thinks I won't be able to relax and enjoy the trip if there's anything at all left to be done at home, which is ridiculous both because I could never physically achieve this and because I have the examples of so many other trips that I've relaxed into and loved despite this fact!
I seem to worry that having a few days out of my normal routine, where I'm not ticking things off my day to day to do list, will have a hugely negative effect. In fact, the exact opposite is probably true as it's good for us all to take a break and enjoy time away from the norm.
I think it comes from the comfort I was able to find in the past in making lists and sticking to patterns. Despite the fact that these things were not serving me well in the long term, in the short term they helped me to believe I was retaining some level of control despite my anxiety.
Even now the anxiety is nothing like it once was, these are thought patterns I acted on for many years, so it makes sens that it's taking time to shift them all.
Whenever I do actually go away, I am able to switch off and enjoy the trip, so in that sense I'm pleased, because it doesn't affect the trip itself.
I now just need to work on the days leading up to it, and stamp out this sense of urgency that attaches to things that have no deadline at all.
The thing I keep reminding myself is that nerves and excitement are very similar emotions and I think sometimes my brain still gets a bit confused between the two. For so long fear was the default setting, so it's going to take a little while to flip that pattern.
Changes are happening, and that's one of the ones that still needs a bit of work.
So that's what I'm working on.
Sophie x
Before I go away, such as for the Leeds and York trip a couple of weeks ago, I get so excited but also have a knot of nerves in my stomach.
It used to be that I was nervous about the journey, what I could eat, breaking routine, not knowing where I was... thankfully those things are no longer the primary things playing on my mind.
However, I get this strange sensation of the trip being some kind of deadline.
In the days leading up to leaving, I feel an intense pressure to tick off every single job on my to do list, including the things that are much longer term goals.
There's a sense of 'running out of time', even though a few days later I'll be back to my normal routine and can continue working on the longer term projects.
It's as if a part of me thinks I won't be able to relax and enjoy the trip if there's anything at all left to be done at home, which is ridiculous both because I could never physically achieve this and because I have the examples of so many other trips that I've relaxed into and loved despite this fact!
I seem to worry that having a few days out of my normal routine, where I'm not ticking things off my day to day to do list, will have a hugely negative effect. In fact, the exact opposite is probably true as it's good for us all to take a break and enjoy time away from the norm.
I think it comes from the comfort I was able to find in the past in making lists and sticking to patterns. Despite the fact that these things were not serving me well in the long term, in the short term they helped me to believe I was retaining some level of control despite my anxiety.
Even now the anxiety is nothing like it once was, these are thought patterns I acted on for many years, so it makes sens that it's taking time to shift them all.
Whenever I do actually go away, I am able to switch off and enjoy the trip, so in that sense I'm pleased, because it doesn't affect the trip itself.
I now just need to work on the days leading up to it, and stamp out this sense of urgency that attaches to things that have no deadline at all.
The thing I keep reminding myself is that nerves and excitement are very similar emotions and I think sometimes my brain still gets a bit confused between the two. For so long fear was the default setting, so it's going to take a little while to flip that pattern.
Changes are happening, and that's one of the ones that still needs a bit of work.
So that's what I'm working on.
Sophie x
Comments
Post a Comment