What Sophie Said

I didn’t intend to take such a long break from posting here, or any break at all, really. I’ve been writing but not publishing. Writing as a way to try and process thoughts I don’t understand myself yet. There’s been a lot going on over the last few months. I’ve written on here about my journey with anxiety over a number of years, and about the fact that in June this year I completely crashed with my anxiety and depression. There’s been a lot of rebuilding going on. A lot of pulling thoughts apart to their very roots and learning how to change them so they’re no longer damaging. Finally, I acknowledged that I needed to face everything properly, rather than continuing to wear a mask and pretending I was ok. It’s been going well. I found a counsellor who understands me. He knows what I’m describing before I finish describing it. He doesn’t let me get away with taking the easy route, and he challenges beliefs I’ve been leaning on for years. About a month ago, I realised t...

Yesterday marked exactly a year since I moved to London. I didn’t think it would ever be a move I would make, but it has led to one of the busiest years of my life and probably the one in which I have changed and learned the most. The move was about breaking out of my comfort zone, and throwing off the comfort blankets I’d surrounded myself with. Without challenging myself, I was never going to overcome a lot of the fears I had built up and learned to live with. The timings suddenly clicked. I was really unhappy in my job, living alone with the flexibility to move, and there was nothing tying me to stay in the same place. When the job hunt began, I was offered a role at a company I’ve admired for years, which sealed the deal and to London I came. It’s been a year of extreme highs and some very real lows, and one year on I can say it’s been one of the biggest learning experiences I’ve had. I’m in a new city, facing ‘fears’ like the tube, living with stranger...

Recently, it was the anniversary of a particular event, or series of events, that happened at a time when I was probably struggling the very most with my anxiety. What the event was doesn’t matter, nor do the specific ins and outs of what happened, but what I wanted to try and put into words was how these dates felt, this year. Firstly, I felt sad. I felt sad that what should have been a really happy occasion and memory is tainted by the way my anxiety made me feel. It completely took over the event, leaving me crying in my room, and escaping for long walks with my dad. Secondly, the emotions and feelings came flooding back. I sat in my room remembering the events. The transportation there and back made me feel trapped like I would never be able to get out. And every minute felt like hours. I was convinced everyone was watching me, noticing what a nervous wreck I was, noticing me trying to slow down my breathing and stop my whole body tensing and shaking. I was c...

Hi there. It's been a while. I took a bit of a pause from the blog, and didn't do much tweeting or anything either. Because I've been thinking. I've had a lot of thoughts in my head. They spin and twist and get all muddled up. Sometimes I feel a little confused. So I've been taking some time to think. Some time to wonder. Some time to explore. Some time to explore my own thoughts, feelings, wants, wishes... For life, for work, for friendships. Thinking about what truly matters. What doesn't matter so much. What and who do I want to be? These are thoughts that will never go away. The joy of life is that it is constantly changing, there are opportunities, there are changes, and there are chances to learn and grow. I know this is a little vague, obscure, nothingy... But it's what I wanted to say. That's where I've been - just thinking. Planning. Researching. And now it's time to turn some of those plans into actions. To m...