What Sophie Said

I didn’t intend to take such a long break from posting here, or any break at all, really. I’ve been writing but not publishing. Writing as a way to try and process thoughts I don’t understand myself yet. There’s been a lot going on over the last few months. I’ve written on here about my journey with anxiety over a number of years, and about the fact that in June this year I completely crashed with my anxiety and depression. There’s been a lot of rebuilding going on. A lot of pulling thoughts apart to their very roots and learning how to change them so they’re no longer damaging. Finally, I acknowledged that I needed to face everything properly, rather than continuing to wear a mask and pretending I was ok. It’s been going well. I found a counsellor who understands me. He knows what I’m describing before I finish describing it. He doesn’t let me get away with taking the easy route, and he challenges beliefs I’ve been leaning on for years. About a month ago, I realised t...

I could write a lot here, but a lot of the thoughts in my head don't really have much structure yet. So really all I'm going to say is it's ok to struggle. I've spoken on here about my anxiety a number of times, and over the past few years I've been learning to deal with it and control it. But sometimes you can't control everything. Sometimes, your thoughts can take themselves a little too far, and the struggle feels a bit too much. I've spent two weeks doing nothing but attending appointments, reading, writing, and trying to look after myself a bit. I had become so good at putting on that mask of pretending everything was fine that I had neglected the fact there were still issues there I really needed to work through and couldn't keep ignoring. About two weeks ago, the anxiety reared its head with full force, and it was a blow to hear that has now been joined by depression. A blow, but also an explanation, because those I'm close ...

Anyone who knows me well knows two things about me: 1. I make lists, lots of lists. I wrote about that here . 2. If I'm into a routine of doing something, or interested in something, I will give it my full attention and headspace. This year, I've been making an effort to eat better and move more, and for the first time ever feel like I've been making some real progress, but there are still changes I want to make. Recently, I realised one of the changes I had made was actually damaging my progression and the way I looked at myself. I was keeping a record of what I was eating, and what exercise I was doing. This was originally to let me keep track of what I was doing and let me notice improvements that could be made. Writing down what you're eating is also something I've heard recommended many times to hold yourself accountable, and notice any unhealthy patterns you might have fallen into. A few weeks ago, I realised these lists were becoming a problem. R...

Last week, I spoke to Felicity at BBC Newsbeat on the topic of mental health and social media. Her post (which is fantastic and can be read HERE ) got me thinking on the topic and my story a little more. The article summarised my own experience: when I first started to see the symptoms of my anxiety when I was at university, I had no idea what it was. It was through reading blogs and reading what people were saying on social media what I learned more about it, got the courage to see my GP, and learned it was ok to talk to my friends and family about it. I learned it was ok to talk, and ok to need some help. Since speaking to Felicity, this idea has been stuck in my head so I thought I’d write a bit of a follow-up on exactly how social media helped me. As I said, it was at university that my anxiety began to take on a big role in my life, and began to have a big effect. It was also during university that I completely fell for the world of blogging and social media. I was qu...

Today is Time to Talk Day. I've written and deleted this post so many times over the past month. There are things I want to say, and things I'm not ready to. So today I'm just going to talk about the need to talk. When you suffer with any kind of mental health problem, one side effect can be that you become secretive. When my anxiety first began, I was embarrassed and didn't know what was going on. Once it had been diagnosed, I remained embarrassed and confused. Nobody had explained to me how I would feel day to day. That some days are bad, and some days are brilliant. That sometimes you can cry for hours because you just need to get out that frustration that's an invasive ball of emotion in your stomach. That sometimes you'll feel nauseous for days on end, and nothing will shake it. That logic doesn't come into it and your thoughts are in a constant battle. That talking helps. Sometimes, I want to be quiet and alone. But sometimes,...