What Sophie Said

Last week I shared a bit about the writing course that led to me writing my short story, Aftershock. Today I thought I'd share a bit about what it was about, and the process of writing it. I had planned to write it slowly, leaving myself lots of editing time and really making use of the month or so we were given. In fact, I wrote most of it in one sitting, on a single afternoon when I most definitely should have been doing other things. The words just kept coming and I didn't want to cut them off. I based my story on something that had actually happened to me, as one of the things recommended on the course was that it could be easier to get inside a character or situation if it was something you knew and understood. I share a lot on this blog and I'm incredibly open about my journey with anxiety and depression, but one of the big things I haven't spoken about was something that happened to me in October 2016, when I was living and working in London. It h...

The last couple of months feel like they've lasted approximately one week each, maximum. April was absolutely packed, and I'm hoping the pace might slow a little this month in terms of running here, there and everywhere in order to focus on hitting some goals. I've not yet made any definite action steps towards my goal of getting back on a plane this year, so we need to look at some dates and a plan for that, and the keyboard hasn't exactly been a focus yet, either! I also had one of my biggest business months yet in April, so have some even bigger goals for May. We are back into the swing of things at the theatre group, now rehearsing for our July show which is a comedy and the group of young people in it have grasped the concept with both hands and are running with it, it's very encouraging and exciting. There are some lovely friends coming to visit this month which I'm really looking forward to, and I'm also properly back into the swing of makin...

In Autumn 2017, I took myself out of my comfort zone and joined a creative writing class. As a result of that course, I've got a short story printed in a real life book. How on earth did that happen? About six months ago I was flicking through the local paper and something drew my eye to the tiniest little article. It was a good few pages in, only a couple of paragraphs long and with no attached image. It said that Cheshire West and Chester Council had received Arts Council Grants for the Arts funding to run four workshops for adults across their libraries. There was a contact phone number, and one was to take place at Storyhouse (a.k.a. one of my favourite places in Chester). Usually I'd spot things like this and either ignore them or file them away for later and then be too late or never get around to taking action. For some reason, this day was different and I just picked up the phone. A couple of weeks later, I sat at a table with about 15 other people, of a...

It's time for my next round-up of mini reviews... This time, a life upgrade, money talk, a trip to Kenya and a twist on a classic fairytale. Leopard at the Door, Jennifer McVeigh 18 year-old Rachel has returned home to Kenya after six years at an English boarding school. Her father's new lover has moved onto the farm and times are changing. Outside the farm, rumours are growing of violence between Mau Mau freedom fighters and British soldiers. I absolutely loved this novel. I love using fiction as a way to explore places and situations I know little or nothing about and I felt completely immersed in this world. It was a pleasure to read, with amazing characters and made me gasp out loud in places. The historical note at the end was also well worth a read, and I was shocked at the examples given of the power of the media and media perspective. Money: Master the Game, Tony Robbins I'm a huge Tony Robbins fan, and the focus of this book is pretty obvious f...

'Going with the flow' has never been one of my strengths. As I've got older, that talent got even smaller. I like control, I like set timings and I like knowing what's going on. There's plenty of times where that's an asset. I'm on time for things, I don't miss meetings and appointments and I usually get things done. However, it can become incredibly restrictive and put a huge amount of pressure both on myself and on those I'm spending my time with. I'd insist on knowing the exact schedule of a day and then a tiny shift in those plans (whether or not it was controllable or not) would send me into a panic or get me very frustrated. It's something I've wanted to change for a long time, and recently I've found it's sort of happening by accident. I guess it must be related to me feeling less anxious overall and feeling less uptight about everything. I'm more comfortable arriving on time, or five minutes early. I'm m...

My brain still does some odd things as I approach a trip away. It's one of the leftover things I still need to deal with when it comes to anticipation with my anxiety, and the confusion between excitement and nerves. Before I go away, such as for the Leeds and York trip a couple of weeks ago, I get so excited but also have a knot of nerves in my stomach. It used to be that I was nervous about the journey, what I could eat, breaking routine, not knowing where I was... thankfully those things are no longer the primary things playing on my mind. However, I get this strange sensation of the trip being some kind of deadline. In the days leading up to leaving, I feel an intense pressure to tick off every single job on my to do list, including the things that are much longer term goals. There's a sense of 'running out of time', even though a few days later I'll be back to my normal routine and can continue working on the longer term projects. It's as if a ...

It's a return guest visit on the blog today - my dad's been to another amazing show and couldn't resist sharing his review. Read on for the tale of a wonderful night at The Royal Exchange. Mixtape ‘It’s theatre in the round, Jim, but not as we know it’ I’m a big fan of The Royal Exchange, Manchester and well used to sitting in a circle, with the players directly in front of me. But last night I was encircled by the cast, rather than the other way around. Because last night I went to see Mixtape – a new musical created and performed by the Young Company of this awesome theatre. The Young Company has just won Stage School of the Year 2018 and it’s not hard to see why. It includes a range of young people, from 14 to 25 who all collaborated to produce what was an exceptional show. I use the word show because the overall experience of last night is quite difficult to define. We entered the arena and it felt like we’d gained admission to a nightclub. Cast members...

I've got an interesting relationship with York. I went there for university in 2010 and at first couldn't believe my luck. I'd wander around the city centre so grateful that I'd moved to such a beautiful city. I met some great people and have some really fond memories of parts of my time there. However, my whole experience there wasn't rosy, and by the time I left in 2013 I had a very different picture of the place. My mental health had taken a bad turn and that combined with other factors meant I left university in a pretty wobbly place. I'd retreated into my shell and the Sophie who set off to university was not the same person who emerged at the other end. I'm so proud of my degree (English Literature) and there are parts of my time there I loved, but York ended up carrying the weight of some very tricky memories and a lot of struggle, anxiety and sadness. Since graduating in 2013, I've only returned once for a couple of hours, where I ...

An inevitable part of a few days away from home in hotels is eating meal after meal out in restaurants. For nearly five years, this kind of situation would be a nightmare for me. At times the list of foods I'd eat was so small there was unlikely to be anything on any menu I could eat. Even if it was a food I could eat at home, having it prepared by someone else in an unknown kitchen wasn't an option. For the past few years, all of my friends have known there's a narrow selection of restaurants that are an option when we meet up for dinner, and at those places there's potentially one thing on the menu I can eat. This made food so boring. Gone was the enjoyment in eating out. There was none of the excitement of choosing what to have. It became a running joke that I'd always eat the very same meal as that was an easy way to avoid discussing the fact that it was a real issue. My issues with food have lasted a long time and are incredibly complicated. I...

Over the Bank Holiday weekend we went to see Disney's latest film offering, A Wrinkle in Time . It's based on a popular children's story of the same name, but I've never read that so these thoughts will be on the film in isolation, not on the way it's been adapted for the screen. I also knew nothing about the story before the film began. Dr Alexander Murray has been missing for four years, disappearing shortly after claiming he could travel through time and the universe. His children, Meg and Charles Wallace, set off with a group of three travellers working in the fight of the light against the dark to try and find him. There are some really wonderful messages in this film. The triumph of light over darkness, believing in yourself, empowering young people, the importance of every single individual and their place in the world, family... the list goes on. It's got a pretty impressive cast, with the three Mrs' played by Oprah Winfrey, Reese Witherspoon...

I often spend these posts reflecting on the previous month, but this time I'm just going to look forward. March was great but I've been looking forward to April for ages. It's one of my favourite months of the year because it really feels like Spring is here and Summer is on the way. This year it starts with Easter, which means family time. It's going to be a busy, packed month by the looks of things, but full of great stuff. There's a trip to a city I've never been and to a city I love, to the seaside at the end of the month, a singing workshop with an incredible performer, and a 10 mile charity walk. We've already planned in lots of time with friends and family and I'm sure more of that will be slotted in as the month actually begins. I'm also going to spend some time on good old 'life admin' as I have some more hours free thanks to the Easter break from my theatre job. That means I can get some other things ticked off and also th...

I've got to be honest, the concept and story of this musical is just not for me. It was too cheesy, too contrived and to me really wasn't a good representation of the music of Dusty Springfield. Putting that aside, though, it's performed by an immensely talented cast who performed every song brilliantly. It's a real tale of two halves, this one: I didn't like the show, but I loved those in it. In the sixties, a record store called The Preacher Man was the place to be, and its owner was also known for his great life advice. Years later, three people - all connected to The Preacher Man in their own way - head to London to see if it's still there. Each hopes to find a solution to the dilemmas they're facing in their lives. Let's get my main problem out of the way first, then I can write about the great aspects of the show. As might be clear from that little intro, this story is a cheesy one. It's about love, there's lots of laughs and the conce...

Friends are the most wonderful thing, but relationships with friends can also cause you the most stress and heartache. Friendship is like any other relationship - there are two sides to the relationship, human relationships can be tricky and there will always be ups and downs. I'm fiercely loyal when it comes to friendship, but that often leads to me putting way too much time and effort into relationships that potentially don't need or deserve it. I'm been thinking about this post for a long time, writing and rewriting it, and I've decided in the end to share the ten lessons I've learned about friendship, particularly over the last four or five years since leaving university and entering the 'real world'. Quality beats quantity every single time. I have lots of people I enjoy spending time with, but have a tiny circle who I'd actually go to when I really need a certain kind of chat or support. I nvest in the relationships that really matter ...

Yesterday, we spent the morning wandering the woods and it's left me in such a good frame of mind. There was a viral tweet a good number of months ago now which was something along the lines of 'the things I hated as a kid, I love as an adult'. It gave examples of things like early nights and long walks. For me, this couldn't be more true. When I was younger, the weekend suggestion of 'going for a walk' was one of the most unappealing things I could hear. Yesterday, we actively chose to hunt out a nice country park or area of woodland for a nice Spring walk. We settled on a short drive over to the Wirral, to Royden Park, next to Thurtsaston Common. To be perfectly honest, I don't know what was the park and what was the common, but I know we did a good walk taking in both! It was an accidental circular walk, following our noses through the woods. The skies were blue, and the air was cool but not cold. There was that amazing smell of trees and...

As regular readers will know, I've raved multiple times about NK Theatre Arts, a group based in Romiley. I wasn't able to attend their latest show, Quadrophenia (which I'm gutted about), but my dad ( Barrie Hawker ) went, loved it, and has written this brilliant review to share with you all... ‘Not schizophrenic, I’m more quadrophenic’ This is one of the standout lines from Quadrophenia, a rock musical staged by NK Theatre Arts in Romiley, which I had the privilege of seeing last night. And it was quite some musical and it did indeed stand out. I’ve seen a few shows here over the past year and have always been mightily impressed by the talent on show. The performers are all local and they are all amateur, something I had to keep reminding myself of last night when the singing was so brilliant, the choreography so mesmeric, the band so amazing and the acting, well in my opinion, first class. Can you tell I enjoyed it? Well I say enjoyed, perhaps a better word might b...

I recently shared that I was seeking more help for my mental health, for the next stage in my recovery. If you want the background it's here , but today I want to talk about another stage in the journey. Last week, I had a call from the local mental health service, to assess exactly what support I needed. In case you're interested, it will be another round of intensive CBT for a period of 12 to 20 sessions. I had been waiting 6 weeks for that assessment call and the wait is predicted to be around 4 months until the sessions begin. All this got me thinking about the reality of the waiting game that is waiting for help with your mental health. I'm incredibly fortunate to have always been in a position where I'm surrounded by support from friends and family, and the help I HAVE had from GPs and therapists has, for the most part, been outstanding. However, we hear all the time how under-resourced our mental health services are, and I thought that today I'd give a...

I've fallen into a pattern of including two fiction and two non-fiction books in each of these round-ups, and I think I like it. For a long time I said I wasn't a non-fiction kind of people, but times have changed and I'm really enjoying reading more of a variety. Here's some of the latest things I've been reading: Eating Animals, Jonathan Safran Foer Foer spent three years immersing himself in the world of animal agriculture, to find out how the industry really worked behind the scenes and to work out his own opinion on related topics. This book is the culmination of that research and exploration. This book is hugely informative and very readable. The narrative style is very friendly and there are chapters written by vegans, farmers, factory farmers and others involved at all stages of the agricultural industry. Some of those shared views that were completely unexpected so it made for interesting reading. There are some quite extreme views and examples ...

It's not unusual for the human mind to get hooked onto certain things. We find a song we like and play it until we groan every time the opening bars play. We find a food we love and eat it until we get bored of the taste. No level of 'obsession' in this way is a good thing. You end up sick of the situation, or the thing, or the item. You get no variety in your diet or your playlists or your style of workout. The same is true when we get our thoughts stuck on a loop. Pressing repeat on certain thoughts or emotions, which often happens subconsciously, is not a healthy space for your head to be in. Over the past couple of years I've been making more of a proactive effort to catch myself when I'm falling into old habits of letting thoughts repeat on a loop. It's been a huge focus throughout my treatments for anxiety over the last four or five years and something I've been working hard at. Whenever I'm more stressed or more tired, those techniques ...

I've wanted to see Swan Lake for years and years, and over the weekend at Storyhouse I had my chance. Presented by the St Petersburg Classic Ballet, Tchaikovsky's iconic music was brought to life for a couple of performances at the wonderful Chester venue. We were sitting right at the top of the Gallery, which I have to admit was a perfect position from which to view a ballet - we could see all the formations and dances from above, but the layout and clever tiering at Storyhouse meant we didn't feel far from the action. I also enjoyed being able to see straight into the orchestra pit, as when it comes to watching a ballet, the music is just as important as the movement. Maybe the orchestra is where I will start: I was so impressed. The full orchestra created a wonderfully balanced sound and the familiar music filled the auditorium beautifully. I want to particularly mention the clarinet player, who had some brilliant lead moments. There were also some standout d...

I went through a long period of feeling like asking for help meant I had failed. And that asking for MORE help because I hadn't yet had enough was greedy, or an example I had failed even more. Both of those beliefs were wrong. One thing I've been consciously working on so far in 2018 is asking for and accepting help. A couple of weeks ago, I went back to the doctor to chat about my mental health once more. For some context, I finished my last period of counselling in December 2016, which is when I left London and moved back up north. My counsellor was brilliant and I made huge progress, but with the amount of issues I had to work through I had been told from day one I was likely to need more than one 12 week course of sessions. For more on those sessions, head right this way , where I've shared about that experience in full. When I finished my final session, the counsellor suggested a period of a few months over which I would continue putting into practice th...

If you asked a lot of people I've spent time with over the years, both in and out of school and beyond, they'd probably agree that I was an organised person. I've always done well at creating that illusion. The truth is, I really battle with myself most days to get anything done at all. I've always wanted to get things done, not let people down and do everything to the best of my ability, but inside my mind there is a master procrastinator. Don't get me wrong, some things I don't struggle to get done. There might be an immovable deadline or something of huge importance; if there's absolutely no choice or a clear deadline, I'll get that thing done. As soon as there's some uncertainty, the desire to be efficient starts to duel with the master procrastinator. I've tried lots of things over the years to help, but this year decided things really needed to change. I'm juggling multiple jobs and responsibilities across many areas of my l...